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how not to sing to elton john songs

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Brian Conley – He’s Back & It’s Personal

Brian Conley was born and raised in West London and studied Performing Arts at The Barbara Speake Stage School and then at the age of 16 hit the road and made a living performing cabaret in nightclubs.

He began his TV career as a warm up man for Terry Wogan, Noel Edmonds and Kenny Everett, but soon started appearing in front of the cameras with regular appearances in Five Alive and Live from the Palladium.

He spoke to Jason McCrossan about his life and also his one man show currently touring the uk “The Life of Brian Conley”.

 

Hello Darlings! Biography of Kenny Everett

Kenny Everett was revolutionary in television and radio comedy. Chris Evans, Chris Moyles, Rob Brydon and Steve Wright have all cited Kenny as a huge influence on their work – even the great Spike Milligan called him a genius. It was Kenny who developed the radio show format with which we are so familiar today: a mix of music, jingles, funny voices and sound effects. When he seamlessly made the move to television in the seventies, he created unforgettable characters such as Sid Snot, Cupid Stunt and Marcel Wave.

Jason McCrossan spoke with the author James Hogg back in 2013 and updated his podcast for a week when the Monday Matters radio show was off air.

Scottish Jokes

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My partner asked me to explain 99.9% of these jokes…

Most had me lol…& lmfao

Seriously.

Here we go….

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A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: ‘Can you come and get me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.’

‘Okay,’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing from?’

The girl says: ‘From the top of my head right down to my knickers.’

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A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the
chair.
‘Comfy?’ asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.

Dentist
Dentist

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Oor Wullie
Oor Wullie

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their
autobiography? Oor Wullie.

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Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.

Old man
Old man

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A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter.
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.

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Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and
cement? He’s awa’ noo.

Brick wall
A wall

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After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal
he’ll be wearing the kilt. ‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’ he replies.

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Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

A Coo
A Coo
Kuwait
Kuwait

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Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one’s a  Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

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Scottish phone box
Scottish phone box

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in aplummy
voice: ‘Is there money in the box?’

‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies.

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While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her
husband: ‘Shug, do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’

And he  says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’

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What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

Scottish Cowboy
Scottish Cowboy

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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its
holidays?

A skean dhu.

Pigeon
Pigeon

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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains
that there is a lace missing. ‘No,’ argues the assistant, ‘look at the
label – it says Taiwan.’

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What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a
motorcycle accident?

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

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Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

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Old Bus
Old Bus

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is
asked:
‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’ ‘I’d put him off
at the next stop,’ he says. ‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?’

‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.

Eilean Donan Castle, Scotland
Eilean Donan Castle, Scotland

Monday Matters 10th Feb 2014

Gyles Brandreth is Looking for Happiness
Gyles Brandreth is Looking for Happiness

On the show today, Jason speaks to writer, broadcaster and former MP Gyles Brandreth who is currently on tour with his one-man show called Looking for happiness. Gyles is a reporter on The One Show on BBC1 and a regular on Radio 4’s Just a Minute, his many books include The Oscar Wilde Murder Mysteries and the No 1 best-seller: The 7 Secrets of Happiness.

Also on the show, the featured artist is Peter Gabriel who turned 64 years old during this week and Kyra has the gig guide and latest music news.

We aslo feature music from: Tom Petty, Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, Paul McCartney, Shivaree, MØ, Broken bells, Pink Floyd, Ultravox, Suzanne Vega and Jack Johnson.

And we give The Last Word to cultural theorist Stuart Hall who died at the age of 82 on the 10th February 2014.  Stuart coined the term ‘Thatcherism’ and profoundly influenced New Labour.

For more information about Gyles you can visit his website at http://www.gylesbrandreth.net/


Listen to Monday Matters with Jason McCrossan

My chat with Giles Brandreth

Gyles's show is called "In Search Of Happiness
Gyles’s show is called “In Search Of Happiness”

I’ve always been a fan of Mr Brandreth.  Well, ok, in the 1990s I thought of him as a bit of a buffoon – but then, didn’t everyone? However, he has redeem himself in spades through his brilliant novels and wonderful contributions to Just A Minute.

So, I was very happy when he agreed to chat with me – even it it was for 15 minutes.  If you like Gyles, just know that he is performing up and down the country on his one man show “In Search for Happiness” – and I can only imagine it is nothing short of fabulous…just like Gyles.

On Saturday Breakfast on 15th February I will be giving away a pair of tickets to his show taking place the same evening.  Listen to http://www.sfmradio.com to win.