Scottish Jokes

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My partner asked me to explain 99.9% of these jokes…

Most had me lol…& lmfao

Seriously.

Here we go….

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A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: ‘Can you come and get me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.’

‘Okay,’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing from?’

The girl says: ‘From the top of my head right down to my knickers.’

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A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the
chair.
‘Comfy?’ asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.

Dentist
Dentist

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Oor Wullie
Oor Wullie

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their
autobiography? Oor Wullie.

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Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.

Old man
Old man

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A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter.
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.

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Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and
cement? He’s awa’ noo.

Brick wall
A wall

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After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal
he’ll be wearing the kilt. ‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’ he replies.

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Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

A Coo
A Coo
Kuwait
Kuwait

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Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one’s a  Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

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Scottish phone box
Scottish phone box

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in aplummy
voice: ‘Is there money in the box?’

‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies.

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While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her
husband: ‘Shug, do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’

And he  says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’

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What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

Scottish Cowboy
Scottish Cowboy

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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its
holidays?

A skean dhu.

Pigeon
Pigeon

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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains
that there is a lace missing. ‘No,’ argues the assistant, ‘look at the
label – it says Taiwan.’

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What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a
motorcycle accident?

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

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Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

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Old Bus
Old Bus

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is
asked:
‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’ ‘I’d put him off
at the next stop,’ he says. ‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?’

‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.

Eilean Donan Castle, Scotland
Eilean Donan Castle, Scotland
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